Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Well, I guess its now or never...

Well, here it is. As requested by a few people, I've started blogging. Facebook status's don't capture the crazy/hilarious/exciting things in my life. Most people might see this as an opportunity to creep my life, since my facebook is private, but whatever, at this point I dont even care. I used to get annoyed when people would request to be my friend whenever I had a big moment in life, such as: Getting married a month after I graduated high school, Moving to Hawaii, Getting pregnant, Having my baby, Then getting pregnant again, and then unfortunately miscarrying my second child. None of this is peoples business, but I guess I want to look past people just being nosey, and thinking that they care. One can wish I suppose.

While I am not one to show emotions of sadness or distress yet am one to be tough and laugh things off, I guess I want people to see me in a different light since I am only human. Here I will touch bases on the significant things in my life that i posted above:

On July 18, 2008, I married my best friend. The whole time leading up to getting married in the trashy Valpo courthouse, everyone was trying to talk me out of it. Don't people know that I am going to do what I want to do? Anyway, there's not much to speak on this subject, other than I married my knight in enchilada armor. VIVA LA MEXICO... (not really, though)

Next topic: Moving to Hawaii. At this point in my life, this was the biggest, most exciting change in my entire life. I got on United Airlines Flight 1 out of Chicago O'Hare Airport, and left everything I've ever knew behind. Saying goodbye to my parents and my sister was the hardest part. Not knowing when I would see them again was the thing that made me question my move. But I went through security and sat at the terminal waiting to board. At that time I knew that there was no turning back, because Bootz would have been pissed if he had to turn that 2008 Toyota Yaris around mid-freeway and pick my ass up. So, I sat there awkwardly pretending to look at my phone until the plane boarded. As I got on the plane I was literally freaking out. blah blah blah, a baby crying and a 30 minute nap later, I had arrived to the Honolulu International Airport. Im in my sweatpants and hoodie, sweating my chacha off. Tony picked me up and off to Makakilo we went! thats pretty much the long drawn out version. Needless to say, i had an awesome time until I got pregnant.

Fast Forward: Baby Making 101. Well while were weren't trying to have a baby, we definitely weren't preventing, as most girls from PHS can relate to my story in this way. Anyway, I felt like I was pregnant for 4 years. Puking at least 10 times a day, getting nice and fat. You know, the usual.

Giving birth to the CHUNKMAN!: Well I was due September 5, 2009, He didnt come until September 10, 2009. 5 days late, I cant complain. Labor wasn't too bad. 2 epidurals, 6 hours and 45 minutes of pushing late, Anthony Michael Torres Jr. was born weighing in at 7lbs 15oz and 18 3/4 inches. Now, when my due date passed, i thought this is IT. Im going to give birth to a slimey, weak YET well nutritioned 7 year old. Anyway, It was September 7 and I was completely OVER pregnancy, I wanted to be able to brush my teeth without my gums bleeding, I wanted to be able to tie my shoes, and most importantly I wanted my pooping schedule to get back on track. So I drank wine, nothing. Ran, nothing. Had sex, nothing. Drank castor oil, nothing. How freaking discouraging, old wives tales didnt work for me. But as I layed my head to bed, I woke up a little bit more excited and cherished my family a little bit more. Here's why. My grandmother passed away when I was 6 months pregnant, she was SO excited that I was having a little boy, due to the superfluous amount of girls in our family lol. But sadly, she passed away May 2, 2009. BUT on September 7, 2009, she came to me in a dream, saying that she was SO excited that he will be here soon, she has already met him and he was perfect in every single way, and I am going to love him and have so much fun with him growing up and she will be there every step of the way. She told me to be patient and stop listening to old wives tales and just enjoy the rest and silence for now, because he will arrive to the Earth on September 10 around 10am. And on September 10th at 9:59am. That was the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I am just so grateful that she came to me, and told me that everything was okay. Knowing that she was there with me, and is STILL here with me every step of the way is a feeling I could never describe. My grandma was a model Christian and a wonderful, caring person. Everytime I let something get to me, and I want to let my mouth fire off like a loaded pistol, I think about what g-bea would do. Anyway, Like I said I am NOT one to show emotions, but there ya go, im getting a little misty-eyed typing this.

Getting pregnant for the second time was a gift from God that got taken away. We weren't trying for the second one either, but it happened. At first I was shocked and speechless and I just wasnt expecting it at all. So I didnt know how to feel. But about 48 hours later, I was on top of the world. I was about to add another child to the mix and Chunk was gonna be a big brother and life could not get ANY better. Well about a week and a half later, I started bleeding, bad. Freaking out we take chunk to our neighbors/best friends and we rush to the ER. While I think that my situation was an emergency, I guess a headache and a cut on someones leg was a little bit more important. As were sitting there dreading terrible news and HOPING for the best. We left things in God's hands, and whatever he chose, we were going to have to be content. Well the doctor came in and did an ultra sound and he said hmm, nothings there. I bust out in tears. The doctors leave the room, and I am a mess. I felt like thee worst person on Earth. Why me? Why do I, a GREAT mother, have to experience something like this, yet 14 year old girls who smoke and drink their entire pregnancy get to have healthy babies. It was just not fair. I cried for the next 2 days, I didnt even want to get out of bed, I felt like I couldnt look the world in the face, because I looked weak and not my usual tough self. I took a break from facebook (which is UNHEARD of lol).  Me and tony had our time to ourself thanks to his job giving him the day off. I felt like i let my whole family and friends down. But I mainly felt like less of a woman because of it. I knew my babymake wasnt broken because Chunk is healthy as a horse. I just wish I knew why it happened. But its not my place to know. The big man upstairs is taking care of us. Im still not over the loss, but the loving and caring words from family and friends have helped a tremendous amount. It just seems as if I take my mind off of it, something is there to remind me of it. I dont think ill be 100% over this until I get pregnant again. Which we are not planning for, but you know how those things go ;).

Well Tony is at an Evening Watch on Pearl Harbor, Chunky is napping and I am watching the biggest loser. Gonna make some dinner, wake the little guy up and snuggle his brains out :) Thanks for listening and i will be sure to keep up with this. Its a good way to show people my softer side. BUT still know, that I will be posting the ridiculous things my child gets into and my vulgarity will still be accounted for!! Love you guys :)

1 comment:

  1. liv, you are strong and there will be more babies... i didn't know and i know it's happened awhile ago but *positive thoughts* to you. xo